The NoShoPo Signs You Have a "Frenemy"

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It starts. Maybe you met through a mutual friend, maybe it's a new co-worker, maybe you take a class at the gym together. A common joke, a favorite tv show or cult movie, you "click". You're smitten.

No, it's not a new boyfriend. 

I am talking about a new girl friend to bond over RHONJ, Couples Therapy, and the fact all your other friends are getting married/having babies/etc. A girl who reminds you of your grade school best friend combined with your college roomie. You start doing everything together and it's like you've known each other forever. Soon enough you become besties and are crying on each others shoulders and telling inside jokes and know each others Starbucks orders. Because really, the older you get, the less people you have that magic spark with and so you try to keep it when you find it.

Then something happens.

You buy a dress and she suddenly has the same one. You eye a purse and the next day, she has the more expensive version of the one you wanted. Something good happens to you and you text her and she's nowhere to be found except she keeps updating her facebook. Suddenly things are feeling a lot less Carrie Bradshaw and much more Regina George.

So how do you know who's a bad apple? A toxic friend? How do you identify a frenemy?

1) Backhanded compliments. Does she says things like "I mean...if you like it..."? Remember, the pauses and tone are VERY important here. She's not telling you to trust your instinct, she's basically telling you it's hideous but "too polite" to say so. First, if she's really your friend, she'll you straight up if it's ugly or that she's jealous if it's amazing. No hidden messages. Second, if she tells you "you're so lucky you don't care how you look and can eat whatever you want", she is calling you fat when she should probably be the one putting her McDonald's down. Slow your roll bitch, I do care what I look like and if you think I need to lay off the Sprinkles cupcakes, just say so. 

2) Delusional but think she keeps it real. She's the kind of girls that pins things instead of just saying them to your face.She think's shes a take charge lioness but when she get's confronted acts like an injured kitten.  She prides her self on being honest but will never tell you what she really thinks about you-she'll just tell everyone else and when it gets back to you, swears it was misinterpreted. She's delusional, about her looks, life, her changing opinion to reflect her current man and deep down she knows she's a basic bitch, So she'll do anything to project that on you or any other close friends.

3) She loves when you're down but when you're happy...she's gone. This is simple. She's always there for you when you're down and you think this is amazing. What a great friend, always trying to give you advice and help you out with all of her "wisdom". Then you get a promotion or engaged and suddenly she's "super busy". She wants to feel superior to you and when you're happy, she feels insecure and threatened.

4) She does #3 because she's insecure and masks it as in control. This is the root of a frenemy, the insecurity. You have to love yourself before you can love others and this bitch does not love her self. This is the part where you almost want to start feeling bad for her...until you remember how mean she can be. You can feel bad she has self-esteem issues (too low or too high, which stem from too low) but putting yourself in her path isn't good for anyone but her. Because remember, letting her trim your hair and then seeing she's taken 4 inches off, that ho ain't nobody's friend and she's lucky she was holding the scissors and not you. I mean...continuing on...

It's always sad to lose a friend but the scales of life say that if something is making you more unhappy than happy, like Queen B says,"to the left , to the left".